You’ve landed yourself on a five hour transcontinental flight without any IFE (In-flight entertainment) to numb your brain until you reach your destination? Don’t hit the panic button just yet! There’s a humorous alternative a seat back distance away. Behold America’s favorite seatback gift catalog, SkyMall! This baby is packed full of products you never knew you needed or never knew were even made. With each turn of the page you will find yourself laughing yourself into a purchase. Exploiting America’s hunger for more useless crap, SkyMall earns its dollar by capitalizing on your boredom and lack of cabin oxygen. Why else would someone buy a life size Sasquatch garden ornament?
On my recent transcon, SkyMall provided me with about 30 minutes of viewing pleasure. Then I only had 4 hours and 28 minutes to go so I took another look and compiled my favorite useless gift guide to share with you.
1. 2-Pack of giant wine glasses.
There’s never been a more perfect gift (besides alcohol) for the alcoholic in your life than this! A pair of giant wine glasses that each hold a full bottle of wine! Why make the winos hassle with pouring when you know they’re going to finish the bottle off alone anyway. Give this and save them time and the embarrassment of having to answer the how many drinks did you have question. Now they can honestly answer “Only one officer!” Also makes a great gift for your friends employed as flight crew.
2. Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga singing toothbrushes.
Discourage poor dental hygiene while encouraging awful music taste with these singing babies.
3. Jeans lounge pants
These denim jeans pajama bottoms are the perfect match for that person who hates to get dressed to go to the store. Nobody will know the difference! They will think, man, that person looks so cool in those ripped up jeans. This item of comfort gear will without a doubt earn them a mention on the people of Wal-Mart best dressed list. But hurry while supplies last. This item is listed as a TOP SELLER on the SkyMall website.
4. Leg lamp.
It’s A Christmas Story fan or pervert’s dream come true…The leg lamp. Plug this high heeled beauty in and instantly become the envy of the hood with this “major award” on display. Also makes a great gift for that single guy friend who you know is better off alone. This will do the trick.
5. The Litter Kwitter.
Looking for that peeerrfect gift to give the crazy cat lady across the hall? Then the Litter Kwitter is for you! The end of kitty surprises buried around their house is near. Think of the sense of accomplishment your friend of felines will get when their pussycat plops one in the pot for the first time! Now they too will have a potty training story all of their own to tell. TWO GIFTS IN ONE!
6. Bob ice cube trays.
For the person in your life who has everything, or one named bob, there’s the Bob ice cube tray! Nothing spells out consumerism quite like a personalized ice cube tray. Even if that hard to shop for friend’s name isn’t bob, the gift is a match because their ice cubes “bob” in their drink.
7. Mushroom growing kit.
Forget the video games and iPads and give the kids some prehistoric fun with this mushroom growing kit! Kids adore this box of growing fungus. Don’t believe that? Just look at that photo! Give the kids a head start on knowing their shrooms.